What I Really Wish I Could Tell You

I look at you with a smile on my face and say “it’s good to see you,” but what I truly wish I could say is why are you talking to me? I wish I could ask you if you know who you are talking to or are you fooled like everyone else? I wish I could ask you if you are strong enough to keep up with me or is it a matter of time till you run away?

I wish I could tell you I am not used to being loved, I am not used to being treated like a queen and put on a pedestal. I am not used to someone showing up on my doorstep with roses.

I am not used to getting picked up on time, going on fancy dinner dates and receiving loving messages after every date. I am not used to feeling special. I am not used to feeling like my opinions matter and my thoughts count. I am not used to the way you look at me.

I wish I could tell you that I am really strong but really soft at the same time and I still don’t know what triggers each of them. I wish I knew how to describe myself to you so you don’t have to struggle so much with trying to define me. I wish you could understand that I want to let you in but I am still trying to see if you are really willing to cross the line.

I wish I could tell you that the reason why I’m so attached to my friends is that they are the ones who truly accepted me when I almost gave up on myself. I can’t explain why they love me but they do and I wish I could get the same love from you.

I wish I could tell you that my family put me through hell but I survived, and it took me a while to learn to love them again, this is why I may not know how a family functions and I’m terrified of having one. I wish I could tell you that at one point having a family was all I ever wanted but somehow that changed along the way.

I wish I could tell you that I hated being alone or lonely and I looked for love in all the wrong places, this is why I’m comfortable with my loneliness now, it’s now more of an old friend than an enemy. I wish you understood how long it took me to reach this point and how hard it is for me to give it up for someone temporary.

I wish I could tell you I am guarded because the one before you broke down all my walls and left me to deal with the ruins and I had to slowly rebuild it brick by brick. It is so hard for me to break them down again even though I really want to.

I wish I could tell you about how he wasted my time and made me feel worthless, about the days he wasn’t there and the nights he disappeared, I wish I could tell you how weak I was with him. After that, I vowed never to feel like that again. 

I wish I could tell you that if you don’t plan to love me or take me seriously then please leave now because I am not going to give you my heart if you only want to play with it.

But I also wish I could tell you that if you plan to love me, I plan to love you harder and I will find the place in my heart where I once believed in eternal love and family, the place that is pure and free from all the agony and the pain.

If you plan to love me, I promise to find the right words to describe my feelings and help you unravel the puzzle of my life. If you plan to love me, I will slowly start breaking my own walls brick by brick and leave the door open for you.

If you plan to love me, I will slowly walk away from the comfort of my own loneliness and start embracing companionship again. If you plan to love me, I promise you with all my heart, I will forget about anyone who came before you and you will be the only one.

I wish I could tell you all that but I sip my coffee instead and ask you “How was your day?” 

it feels like it'll never happen, but you'll eventually get over them

I never thought I would be able to get over my ex. Ever. And maybe that sounds dramatic to some people, but for the people out there who have split up with their “person” or their “one true love” you understand what I mean.

Falling in love at a young age is both a blessing and a curse. You have the ability to grow with another human being but also have the ability to grow apart from them. You have the opportunity to share your life with someone, but also the scary truth that sometimes you may only share a portion of it with them. Now add attending different colleges to the equation, and things can get messy and scary very quickly.

From over four years, I truly believed that I had found my soul mate. Call me naïve all you want, but I one hundred percent thought we were going to be together until death do us part, sickness and in health and all that jazz. Young love seems like the most powerful thing in the world when you’re experiencing it and you really feel like nothing will ever break that bond. But sometimes, no matter how strong that love is, it breaks and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Cue to the day where I am a heartbroken mess of a person being spoon fed by my roommate. (Yeah, I know, it was really bad). During that breakup, I felt like there was no way I could ever get my life back together. There was no way I was going to be happy again. And no one could convince me that there were other “fish in the sea” because I truly did not believe that no one would ever understand me the way he did. And I honestly never believed anyone would ever love me as hard as he did.

And that was my flaw. I was focusing on my relationship with him, not on my relationship with myself. I was focusing on my future relationships, not on my own personal future. And it took me a very long time to learn that I had lost a part of myself with that relationship because my “whole” self was only with him. And I had let another person dictate my own happiness.

Not too long ago, I saw a picture of him come up on my newsfeed. And, finally, it didn’t effect me. Just. Like. That.

It didn’t happen fast or easily for me, but it finally happened. And that was the moment I realized I was over him. Finally, finally after days and months of feeling like I would never run out of tears for him and that I would never appreciate my life in the same way, my sadness seemed to vanish. And it was one of the best feelings I have ever experienced.

So, if you are struggling with a breakup and feel overwhelmed with grief, I hope you know that one day you are going to wake up and be okay. One day you are going to wake up and realize you are over them. And it’s going to feel like the first day of Spring and you are going to feel so alive, so relieved and so free.

Free from the pain of it all, the stress of it all and the toll it took on you for so long. I promise you, one day you aren’t going to be tied down to that person anymore, and you are going to be happy just with yourself. I hope you realize on that day how special you are and realize that you can be whole without another human being by your side. 

When You’re Tired Of Everything

when feeling tired is not just in the physical sense anymore. 

The world that we live in is an exhausting place to be. It is wearing. It is thankless. It is endlessly trying and scarcely rewarding. You’re tired simply because you live in it. You’re tired of loving too much, caring too much, giving too much to a world that never gives anything back. You are tired of investing in indefinite outcomes. You’re tired of uncertainties. Tired of grey.

I know you haven’t always been this worn out – that there was a time when you were hopeful and pure. When your optimism outweighed your cynicism and you had an infinite amount in you to give. I know you have been chipped away and worn down piece by piece – a broken heart here and an un-kept promise there. I know the world hasn’t always been kind throughout the games you’ve played and that you’ve lost more times than you have ever won. I know you’re feeling uninspired to try again. I know.

Because the truth is, we’re all tired. Every single one of us. By a certain age, we are all nothing more than an army of broken hearts and aching souls, desperately searching for fulfillment. We want more but we’re too tired to ask for it. We’re sick of where we are but we are too scared to begin again. We need to take risks but we’re afraid to watch it all come crashing down around us. After all, we’re not sure how many times we will be able to start over.

We all think we’re alone in our exhaustion. But the truth is we’re tired of each other – tired of the games we play and the lies we tell and the uncertainties we present to each other. We don’t want to play the villain but we don’t want to play the fool either. So our guards go up. Our defences rile. And we take on the role that we loathe to see played because we’re not sure what choice we have left.

I know how impossible it can feel to go on trying and giving and becoming when you are exhausted straight through to the soul. I know that the cheerful ideals you were once promised now seem tired and hopeless. But here’s what I beg if you’re this close to giving up: give it one more try, with feeling. I know you’re tired of your attempts. I know that you’re at your wit’s end. But the truth about that second wind of passion is that you’re never going to realize you have it if you do not keep on running past your first. 

We’re all more resilient than we think, and that’s an indisputable truth. There is always more love that we are capable of giving, more hope that we are capable of having, more passion that we’re capable of unleashing and flooding out into the world. We just don’t walk far enough down our own roads to reach the point where we’re seeing those actions pay off. We want immediate results and when we see none, we give up. We let the exhaustion stop us. We grow frustrated with the lack of feedback and we assume that means we have to throw the entire attempt right out the window.

Because here’s something we all loathe to admit – none of us are inspired every day. We all get exhausted. We all get discouraged. And we’re allowed to work on through those feelings. Just because you’re beaten down and worn out and sick of the life that you’re living doesn’t mean you’re not making a change. Every person you have ever admired has had times where they felt utterly defeated in the pursuit of their dreams. But that didn’t prevent them from reaching them. You’re allowed to stumble slowly towards your biggest transformations. It doesn’t always have to be a blazing, flagrant affair.

Some parts of life happen quietly. They happen slowly. They happen because of the small, careful choices that we make everyday, that turn us into better versions of ourselves. We have to allow ourselves the time to let those alterations happen. To watch them evolve. To not grow hopelessly frustrated in the in-between.

When you’re tired, go slowly. Go quietly. Go timidly. But do not stop. You are tired for all the right reasons. You are tired because you’re supposed to be. You’re tired because you’re making a change. You are exhausted for all the right reasons and it’s only an indication to go on. You are tired because you’re growing. And someday that growth will give way to the exact rejuvenation that you need.

An Open Letter To The Friend Who Was Never Actually My Friend

To the friend who was never actually my friend:

Thank you for making me think we were actually friends. Our late night talks, our breakfast and dinner dates, our late night dance parties and homework nights won’t be forgotten; neither will the way you treated our friendship. While I thought we were growing closer, we were actually growing apart.

At the beginning of our friendship, everything was shiny, new and exciting. I couldn't wait to see our friendship grow and get to know each other better. Our future looked promising; little did I know that our friendship would grow under false pretenses and that our relationship would actually be a toxic one. As time went on, I started to realize that the countless hours we were spending together were harming me instead of helping me. They weren't harmful in a physical way, but mentally you started taking a toll on me. Your constant negativity and lack of support for me and my life was causing me unnecessary stress. While I thought you could be someone I could lean on, you were really someone trying to keep me down in order to keep yourself up.

Between putting me down, questioning everything I did, and spreading lies about me behind my back, I realized that you weren’t actually my friend. You were just another person who was stuck in their insecurities, who needed to put others down to keep yourself up. You were more focused on yourself and your own problems than on our friendship. That’s not the kind of friend I want in my life. While I was blinded to this side of you because you were a new shiny friend for a couple months, I finally realized we had no friendship. Initially, this realization saddened me, but, in the end, I’m better off without you.

While our friendship may not have been real, you’ve taught me many real life lessons. You taught me what a real friendship looks like; two people who support, encourage and push one another to be the best versions of themselves possible. You taught me to appreciate the true friends that I do have. You taught me warning signs to look for in future friends. You reminded me how not to treat other people. Most importantly, you taught me to be true to myself and stand up for the kind of friendship that I deserve.

Ending our friendship wasn’t easy, but it was necessary. I shouldn't have to settle for a friendship. Leaving you in my past feels like a breath of fresh air. Now that my blinders are off and I’ve seen your true colors, I hope that you can learn how to be a real friend. I hope that you can have real friendships of your own. I don’t resent you or our friendship because it taught me to value the rest of my real friends.

So, to the friend who was never actually my friend: Thank you. Thank you for showing me and teaching me what true friendship is.

dear 3rd one,

I am writing this letter, because I forgive you. And, I’m truly happy that you’ve found someone new. I hope she’s everything and more you could ask for. And, I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors. You may not know this but, I am thankful for you and this is why.

After all this time, I no longer ask myself why, because I know why. I know exactly why. Sure, there were moments where I was so angry at you for hurting me the way you did – completely carelessly. But, I’m smarter than that. I know that if I hold a grudge, I give you the power, and I already let you take so much from me. I know that if I don’t forgive you and move on, I might not ever let someone else in. 

As much as you hurt me – as much as you made me feel insignificant and small, I still have hope that someday someone will come along who won’t make me feel that way. And, I don’t want to miss out on that because, I went through life allowing you to make me angry for the things you did to hurt me.

Looking back, what was even worse than you hurting me was me letting you do it. If you were the robber, I handed you the money. I was blind. When you walked into class and saw every other girl except for me, I was blind. When you would opt out of paying any attention to me at all around other girls, I was blind. When you would ignore my texts asking how your day was for hours on end, I was blind. When you would only spend time with me when it was convenient for you, I was blind. When you would criticize me in the smallest, most minute ways that almost seemed harmless, I was blind. When I would call you on the phone to say hi and you had nothing to say back, I was blind.

Wanting you came with a price and that price was denial. I was blind to the fact that for an entire semester, I was a game you played very well.

 I didn’t think it was possible for someone to hurt me as badly as you had. You did it so easily. It was almost as if you didn’t do it at all. Because, you were smart enough to know that good moments outweigh bad moments by a landslide. When and if we had good moments, they were great – they were better than great. 

But, I knew better. I have gentlemen in my life and they taught me better. If you were the gentleman you claimed to be, you would have looked me in the eyes and told me sooner rather than later that I wasn’t what you wanted. You would have given it to me straight. You would have let me down, and I would have taken it. And, chances are, I would have had more respect for you in the process.

Still, I forgive you. You want to know why I forgive you? Because, you’re a 20-year-old boy. A boy. Not a man. And, it was my mistake for letting you toy with me. I knew better.

In the end, you were not a mistake. You were a lesson well learned, and I am so thankful that I learned, even if it took a little bit of heartbreak to get me there. Life itself is a learning process. We make mistakes, we learn. I learned from you. I learned the hard way, but I learned. And, never again will I blame myself for the way you treated me. I know now that it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with you. Because once upon a time, someone you loved hurt you. And, I can’t blame you for that.

I have some good memories with you and I choose to remember you that way, just like I chose to forgive you. I’ve found that yes, the good times do outweigh the bad, but forgiveness outweighs pain – and I no longer feel a thing.

promises

I want you to promise me that when things get rough and tough, you’ll think of all the times we were tougher. Those times when we sailed smoothly, when no wave was high enough to knock our boat down. The times when all we had to do was talk things out and we’d be good as new.

meant to be

Slowly stars go out each night
Dark meets light, kiss the sun goodnight
New day comes as our life's just begun
You're now mine

And every time you hold my hand
There's an understanding of who I am
New life is born unlike before
I'm now yours

You can feel it in the summer breeze
Tonight the world's at ease
You are the one for me
After all the waiting I can finally breathe
Earth and skies say what they may
I will love you all throughout my days
Happiness, happens when our hearts combine
When it's you I'm with I come alive
It's just so clear to see
Darling we are meant to be

Your love is like amazing grace
Sounds so sweet I can almost taste
I've been given more what I could ever asked for
I am yours

I can feel it in the summer breeze
Tonight the world's at ease
You are the one for me
After all the waiting I can finally breathe
Earth and skies say what they may
I will love you all throughout my days
Happiness happens when our hearts combine
When it's you I'm with I come alive
It's just so clear to see
Darling we are meant

I feel at home whenever your around
I feel so secure, so safe and sound
What else can I say
What else can I say

You are the one for me
After all the waiting I can finally breathe
Earth and skies say what they may
I will love you all throughout my days
Happiness happens when our hearts combine
When it's you I'm with I come alive
It's just so clear to see
Darling we are meant
Darling we are meant to be